From Miss C

Shits About to Get Real; Yes Those Are My Boobs'

I loathe me.

Ok, maybe that's a bit harsh, but most minutes of most days I'm silently adding up all of the ways I'm failing.
-winded after taking the stairs .... not fit enough
-muffin top is extra bloaty today ... clearly ate too much (again)
-muffin top .... is a muffin top!

And I realize these feelings aren't special to me - for each [assumed] "confident in her own skin" woman I come across there are 2, 3, 4.... women just like me standing next to "her" in line and immediately feeling inadequate. This knowledge and reality doesn't escape me, but it doesn't change the fact that somewhere along the way I can to believe that I was 'UN'
-unattractive
-unworthy
-unloveable
-un______ (you fill in the blank)

It's a fight I've had within me for as long as I can remember and it's a fight my husband (bless his heart) took up 15 years ago when he said, "I do."

And I will tell you, there are days when he fights like hell against it, and there are days when he throws his hands up in frustration at the constant enormity my 'UN-ness' has in our lives. So as we approached our 15 year anniversary I wanted to do something special for him, something to let him know I hear him, and that his fight matters too... 

There had been chatter here and there over our years together about how photos of me (wink, wink) would be a winning gift as far as gift giving goes; and everywhere I turned lately it seemed like boudoir was THE thing to do. So I booked a session and immediately panicked. 

What would I wear?
What was I thinking???
Who could I tell so I could simply let it out? 

Turns out on this last one, I told no one. Not a soul! I was so conflicted. I wanted to share this secret with someone, ANYONE, but I was so worried about what I presumed the reactions would be.

YOU are doing WHAT?? But you're not
-pretty enough
-thin enough
-sexy enough

Over and Over and Over in my head all I heard was You. Are. Not. Enough.

The day my shoot arrived I was anxious, excited, nervous. I wanted SO BADLY for this experience to be good. Good for my husband. To make him happy. To be good enough. Be great even.

And I realized, I wanted it for me. Even more so, I wanted it for me too.

As the session started I did nothing but giggle. I don't know why. I'm not a nervous laughter kind of gal. But the giggles came and would not stop.

In hindsight, I think it was just so absurd to me - to my brain - that I was actually doing it.

Standing. Mostly naked. All of my flaws and failures on display in front of a woman I had just met minutes before.

But as the minutes passed I became uncomfortably comfortable in all of my skin. I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't feel inadequate. I was simply being... and it was AMAZING!

Every photo Shalista took was ME! The only thing fake in them were my eyelashes - the rest was me. No photoshop. No rump lifter/minimizer. No muffin top eraser. Just me.

For the first time in a long time I felt a spark inside of me. One that told me I was worthy...

I know I left the photo shoot a different woman. One who wasn't 'UN' 100% of the time anymore.

Do I still have bad day? Yes, and I always will.

But I also have amazing days now. Days where I feel like I'm okay to "fake it 'til I make it" as the 'confident in her skin gal' I've always envied. (even some days where I don't even have to fake it at all!)

I am proud of the person I see in these photos. So much so that I want to carry my album with me and force random strangers to stop and look at them and what they represent to me.

What was supposed to be an extra special anniversary gift for my husband - something to maybe put a little youth and spunk back into our 15 year routine - turned into one of the most empowering thing I have ever done for myself.

I never could have imagined that to be the case, but what a gift it ended up being for ME!

I will do it again someday. Maybe soon, while I'm still on the high of this first one. Maybe years from know when I've forgotten and the 'UNs' have crept back in. But I have no doubts that I will do it again. 

And when I do, it will be for me......

1. What made you decide to do a boudoir session? Please describe how you came to the decision and what finally made you take the leap!

   I have always loved boudoir/pin-up style photos. They exude a fun, confident, feminine beauty that I always take a moment to stop and appreciate whenever I've come across them. The final "reason" was my 15 year anniversary, but really that was just an excuse to tell myself it was ok, because deep down I have always wanted to be the steamy lady in the photograph.

2. What made you decide to hire me as your photographer?

   A few years ago a friend on facebook shared a family photo you had done for them and I absolutely LOVED the photo. So I began to follow your facebook page, then snooped around your website, and came across the boudoir information and made a very brief inquiry. After seeing your work shared on the women's facebook group, it was a done deal for me. I knew at some point I would visit you.

3. How were you feeling before your shoot? Any thoughts going through your head?

   Anxious. Nervous. A bit prude-ish in all honesty. I had no one to share the excitement of it with and so I cancelled once, but then put my big girl panties on, rescheduled and committed to going through with it.

4. Now that you've had your own photo shoot, how was it?

   I love, Love, LOVED it!!! It was a little bit awkward at first. I got the giggles during my initial set because I think I was just so out of my mind with the fact that I was actually there, but once I got through them I felt comfortable, confident, beautiful. It truly was a positive experience.

5. How did you feel about having your hair and makeup done?

   This was a bonus as I am NOT a girly girl, so having someone there to take care of this for me was a HUGE bonus! Plus it adds to the "pamper" of the day/moment, which - let's be honest - is a big deal for most of us coming to bare it all...